*Okay, so this was not literally inscribed on the internet in real time, because I would like to retain my employment for the time being. It was, however, recorded live via pen and paper throughout the day.
As a chronically exhausted person (that’s a CEP in the medical community, I believe), I often find it hard to focus at work. I work in the coffee industry, and yet my frequent state of painful tiredness is one that no amount of caffeine can fix. One day a couple of months ago, I was so desperate to keep myself from nodding off that I hatched a brilliant plan to distract myself: I would keep a detailed written record of the day’s thrilling events under the pretense of taking notes in my Important Business Notepad.
I had pretty much forgotten all about this until I found the crumpled-up notes under a pile of tampons, change, and other crap-from-my-purse recently. I hope you enjoy this look into the important work I do everyday at the Place Where I Begrudgingly Exchange My Precious Time and Energy for Money to Continue Eating and Existing (actual company name withheld).
11:00 am – Just noticed the massive Transformer head on my boss’s desk. Can only hope that this is just the beginning of an out of control Michael Scott-style desk knick knack collection. Then at least we would have some stuff to play with instead of pretending to work the next time my boss is out “at Menard’s” or whatever for 3 hours.
11:45 am – Have now spent 15 minutes trying to come up with anything relevant to post on the company’s social media accounts. Feeling pretty jaded after nobody “liked” the link I posted about a mule named Richard that delivers coffee to hikers in the Idaho backcountry. Whatta bunch of uncultured fart nuggets. He has a fucking instagram account!
LUNCH – We don’t have picnic tables outside, and the air conditioning is freezing inside, so I’m just sitting in the parking lot with my sandwich and doing some mobile Wikipedia research about the evolution of domestic cats. It’s going alright.
TRANSFORMER HEAD UPDATE: Apparently this is an Optimus Prime or something. I don’t know, I’m not familiar. It talks, though!
1:15 pm – Boss comes back from lunch and/or Menard’s and attempts to begin an exchange of witty banter.
Boss: “Any good news?”
Son of Boss: “Nope!”
Son of Boss: “My Surface is being an asshole?”
1:30 pm – Answered a phone call from a customer we’ll call Gerry Schmerry. Took a message for my boss and specifically told him to call Gerry back asap. 40 minutes later he says, “Has anyone called Harry Schmerry back yet?”
2:00 pm – Was unable to achieve morning poop at home. Finally conceded defeat and took an unsatisfying dump in the workplace toilet.
3:00 pm – Have only just realized that it is late afternoon and I have yet to interact with Adelheid the Office Dog. This is how much emotional labor I’ve been putting into this whole live-blog situation. Where are my fucking priorities? Where are hers??
3:20 pm – Son of Boss gets off lengthy phone call with a customer and says, “38 minutes,” and shakes his head. “38 minutes of pretending to be my dad. I feel like I need to take a shower.” For real, though, I just wiped my armpits with some hemorrhoid wipes this morning, so I should probs actually shower before I come in tomorrow.
3:40 pm – Boss and Son are disassembling (or re-assembling? idk) something in the back room. After much clanking, Son proclaims loudly, “Swing freeeee, hose!” No idea what this is about.
4:00 pm – Adelheid finally came to visit the office after spending all day in the studio. Suppose she must be on a tight schedule today, because all she did was walk in, fart audibly, breaking the dead silence, and make a hasty exit stage left.
4:15 pm – Can’t even pretend to work anymore. Hiding in the toilet stall, and I’ve ended up on the Minnesota DNR’s website trying to figure out which species of bat lives in my neighborhood. Results so far are inconclusive.